Dear James, Love Sirius
by 123SesameStreet
Summary: Has anyone ever thought about what Sirius had to deal with after James had died? This is Sirius' way of telling James about life without him, and how it is like living hell.
1. Nobody

*Disclaimer- I do not own any part of the Harry Potter franchise.*

Dear James, Love Sirius-

CHAPTER ONE 

Nobody. That's who I have left in this world. After years of thinking I had friends, people who _actually liked me_. People who understood me, who looked past my surname and my family. I had brothers; I gained a sister and a godchild. I was welcomed into a family of my own to begin. Then everything changed, I felt… alive. Just because I knew for a fact people out there cared for me! They trusted me!

_Trust… what a big mistake that was James… Trusting me._

I let everyone down. Halloween night, I ruined everything I had. I lost my brother, his wife and child. I lost Peter Pettigrew. I lost trust and respect from Remus Lupin. I lost my dignity.

As I head to Azkaban, I realized how I truly screwed up. I realized how I could have prevented this all. How I could still have my best friends…

Dear James,

I know I messed up. I know _I _am the reason behind all the pain tonight. I just need to know I have your forgiveness… I understand if you don't accept myself and my faults, but please… Just know I never meant for any of this to happen.

Especially the part where you died.

Love, Sirius.


	2. Betrayal

****Disclaimer****

Halloween night was never scary. Dumb muggles running around dressed up, I remember dressing up one year just to go and impress Evans in muggle studies. We took it as a huge joke didn't we? Just running around as Dumbledore and (I still can't believe you dressed up as her) but McGonagle. That was just classic mate.

Even if stuck-up Evans didn't think it was fancy, I loved it! The beard was itchy, but I got the old man to laugh at me imatating him. I can tell you one thing now though, I will never look at Halloween night the same.

I was at Remus' house, being bored to death as I usually was during... That time.

"Mooooooooooooooooony! I'm bored!" I said to our blond haired friend. "Can we please do something already! I hate sitting here staring at this verevision-"

"Television, Padfoot."

"And seeing nothing but people act like they're playing Quidditch but they just kick stuff around! What do they call it again? Shoeball? Kickball? What ever. I don't give a damn." I sighed and rolled on the floor. Yes, that is how bored I got.

"Calm down mate, this is probobly what James is-"

"PRONGS!" I shot up from my position on the floor. "Thanks for reminding me! I have to check on little Wormtail." With a wink and a wave, I ran out the door to my amazing motor bike. Remember when I first got it? That time we ran in to the Polic Men or whatever? Goodtimes...

I went to Peter's hiding spot, if you remember, we hid him in a hotel in Hogsmade, The Sleeping Hen. He chose it, but who knows why. I arrived their from Remus' house in a matter of minutes. I went striaght to the front desk.

"Good evening madam." I said with a wink. "I'm here to visit a friend in from town. Do you happen to know what room Mister Peter Pettigrew is in?" I flashed her my Marauder grin and the blond behind the desk blushed.

"Well, good evening to you too." She also winked. "I'll just check for you." She flipped throught the book-thing she had and frowned. "I'm sorry sir. He just checked out today."

He checked out? This was his safe spot! He's not allowed to move! "Thanks." I walked out. Something wasn't right. Why would Peter go agenst orders? Shouldn't he still be here? And what if Voldemort got to him?

Oh dear Merlin. I had to go check on you and Lily. Something can't be right.

I hopped on my bike and zoomed into the air to Godric's Hollow. I hope you guys are alright. I don't know what I would do if _he_ got to you. You guys had always managed to bring up my day, no matter what was going on.

Just seeing you flirt with Lily, her yell back at you, you not letting that get you down, and then Moony shaking his head. That going by everyday still made me laugh. You guys really were the light of my life, taking my mind away from my family and putting it on my friends.

When I pulled up at Godric's Hollow, I didn't think I was in the right spot. The place looked like a tornado had hit it, like Lily said our room looked like back at Hogwarts. Only, the house was worse. I just knew something wasn't right.

The roof on the right half was... gone. You could see the boards that had been holding it up. The door was beat down and the bricks were falling apart. The windows were shattered, and the boards that were the roof were sticking out randomly, like your hair.

Oh. My. Merlin.

The reminder of your hair made me jump off my bike and run to the house. "JAMES!" I shouted. "LILY!" No one answered. "JAMES! PRONGS, MATE ANSWER ME!" Still no one answered. Nobody. Nobody was here... _Alive._

"JA-" I had been walking in the ruins of the house, and I was in the spot where the living room _was. _My foot hit something, and I looked down. The thing I hit had black, unruly hair. It had round-framed glasses covering his hazel eyes, the hazel eyes that stared back at me, lifeless. _"James..."_

Tears, of anger, guilt, and saddness fell from my eyes. I knelt down next to you, wanting you to wake up, to look at me, to call me Padfoot, to yell at me, _anything._ "James..." I whispered. "Look at me, laugh at me. Do something already!" My tears fell on the blue shirt you were wearing, staining it from my saddness.

You were dead, and I just couldnt' except it. Voldemort himself came to you and killed you. You had a happy life: Friends, a good job, a good school carreer, a wife, a kid-

Harry and Lily.

Were they alright? Did Lily apparate with Harry? Were they hiding somewhere around here? "Lily! Lily are you here?" With one more glance in you direction and shutting your eye-lids, I headed off to look through the rest of the mess. "Lily?" I called again.

A baby was crying in the distance. Was that Harry, and was he okay? Was Lily with him? "Harry? Are you okay?" I walked into the room you guys had me help set up for Harry only about a year ago. The crib was still up, and the room was a mess. Little Harry was simply sitting in bed, not bothering to look up at my appearence. No, he was staring at a certain red-head you love to death, literally.

"Mama." Harry said simply. He didn't know that Lily was... Dead. He only thought she was faking it, or taking a nap maybe. Her firery hair was scattered about, and her emerald eyes were still open. Like yours, I shut them. I would want you guys to look like you were sleeping, not like you were petrified.

"Lily... God dammit flower. Why did you have to die too?" Tears pushed their way out of my eyes again.

_Drip... Drip... Drip... _

My tears fell onto Lily's blouse. The green one that you always complimented her on. The same one she wore when you proposed. The same one you told her you loved her in. "Si-re." I looked up. Harry was staring at me, with Lily's eyes. "Dada?" He asked.

He wanted to know where you were James. I wanted to know where you were. Where you in heaven with Lily right now, watching me watch you guys while you were dead? Or were you peacefully sleeping, dreaming of eachother and Harry?

Whatever you were doing and where ever you are, where was Voldemort? Didn't he want to kill Harry? Why was he alive while you were dead? "Dada?" Harry persisted. When I didn't answer, he only got louder. "DADA?" I was still looking at Harry and tears began to form at his green eyes. "Da..da.." He said quietly.

I walked over to him, and picked him up out of his crib. "Si-re." He said just as quiet. "Mama a Dada. Where is?" I shushed him and rocked him back and forth, imatating Lily whenever he had his little hissy fits.

"It's ok Harry. Just go to bed okay? Just like mama would have done if she hadn't... Had an accident." Good way to put it Sirius... 'An accident.'

"Anyone here?" A deep voice called. "James? Lily? Harry?" Hagrid. I knew that voice anywhere.

"Over here!" I croaked. Seeing the half giant walked in, it made me feel smaller.

"Sirius! I didn't know you would be here! Where's Lily an' James?" I looked down at Lily, who was at my feet. "Oh no... Jus' a week ago they was laughin' and smilin'. How can this happen?" Great big waves of tears fell from his face. "I guess I wasn' imaginin' things when I saw James laying in the mess out there..."

Tears came up to my eyes again. I didn't think I had any left considering how hard I cried for you. "I gotta take the lil' tyke to Dumbledore, Sirius." He reached out for Harry.

"No, let me have Harry." What relitives did he have left anyways? With your parents... and Lily's parents... "I'm his Godfather. Besides, James-" Oh, it hurt just to say your name. "-would want me to have him."

"Can't. Dumbledore's orders. Got to deliver him to his aunt and uncle." Yes... the horrible muggles. Well, he better get Harry there fast. Don't want him to have to sleep somewhere uncomfortable. Best get him there soon. It's what you would've wanted right?

"Then take my bike." I said, handing him Harry. "I won't need it anymore." I really won't. I can apparate. Besides, I don't need to take my time anymore. I don't have you here to share the ride with me, Remus is scared of heights and isn't a big fan of the bike, and Peter... let's just say he's dead. I want no part with that bastard.

"You sure?" He asked.

"Yeah. Just go. I... Need a moment." He nodded and walked out. Nobody was here to be my friend, nobody was here to care for me, nobody was here to rely on and comfort me.

Dear James,

I have a plan. You may not like that, but it's for the best. Karma can be a pain in the ass right? Well, let's say Peter is going to have a big pain in the ass.

By the way, you probobly don't care, but I have a new least favorite word.

Nobody.

Love, Sirius


	3. Jamie was only 21

**A/N: I know I haven't been saying disclaimer all the time... But you guys know I'm not the magnificent J.K Rowling... and I've been thinking ahead of stuff lately... I like to get started on things early so would anyone suggest a fic that I can write when I have writers block for this one? Enjoy and Review please! :D**

I awoke with a start. I heard his cold voice. I heard you fight for you love. I heard... I heard... You _die._

_"Avada Kedavera!"_

The worst Unfogivable echoed in my ears, and I kept seeing you... There... On the ground... No laughter, no smile, just laying there, emotionless.

_"Avada Kedavera!" _

Tears sprang in my eyes. I can't think straight anymore. Stupid, I know. But who's fault is it really? Who's fault is it that you died? That Lily died? That Harry's an orphan?

_"Avada Kedavera!"_

That dream... Those words... I know. The worst of the worst was going through my head, I was crying, and I now know what I want to do. I know who's fault it really is.

_"Avada Kedavera!"_

Peter Pettigrew: Watch your back. I am coming for you.

I was walking down the street, just a normal, muggle street. Peter wouldn't travel far from where he was hiding in the first place. I knew how to find that_ little rat_. It also shouldn't be hard to find him either; he'll be hiding under robes, and definently black one.

Infront of me, muggles passed my death glare off as my normal face. They kept walking, sneaking odd glances in my direction.

I felt something scurry by my feet. _A rat!_ A rat so familiar, so familiar...I reached down quickly, but that rat was too fast. He took off, as fast as those fat legs will carry him. "PETER!" I screamed. The rat only ran faster. _I got you now... _

I whipped out my wand, screaming curses at the rat. "STUPIFY! CRUCIO! CRUCIO!" That was one curse I was determined to use on him. He ran to the middle of the street, trying to get to the sewer. "Now Peter! You don't want to go down there!" I yelled to him, ignoring glances from the muggles.

Running in the middle of traffic, causing crashes and injuries, I ran after Peter. Suddenly, the rat stopped and grew into a fat, harry, old hag. "N-n-n-now Sirius... I-I-I-I know you are m-m-m-mad and all..."

"Mad?" I asked, snorting. "You think I'm simply _mad! _You honestly think-" Shaking my head, I decided not to complete that sentence. "Well, better get on with it..." I pointed my wand at him, ready to end his life forever.

"HOW COULD YOU SIRIUS?" He suddenly yelled. "JAMES AND LILY, HOW COULD YOU!" How could I? Excuse me?

My anger boiled up inside of me, and sparks began to randomly fly out of my wand. I didn't know what was happening, I was casting spells, but I wasn't thinking! Out of now where, the world turned black and grey.

The first thing I noticed was pain. In my eyes, in my arm, in my heart. I found smoke everywhere, and it caused my eyes to tear up more, caused me to be unable to see. "LOCOMOTOR MOTIS!" A booming voice yelled.

My legs locked up right away, and I fell over. "Sirius Black. You committed a serious crime." **(A/N: no pun intended and I know that was pretty terrible way to send him to Azkaban)** I saw a man stand over me. "You shall be sent to Azkaban right away." Damn you Remus. He had to go and jinx me...

"CONJUNCTIVITIS!" Black swormed all around me, I saw nothing and I didn't know what was going on! "WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!" I was in the air, I couldn't feel it, but I knew I was.

Relization hit me. I was going to Azkaban. It wasn't a joke anymore with Remus. I was _going to Azkaban! Freaking Azkaban!_ For murder! I killed Peter! My goal was complete and I _murdered my best friend._

But it wasn't my best friend anymore, was it? It was simply Peter. Peter, the man who killed my _real_ friend. Should I really be sent to Azkaban for doing the things the Order Members would be doing? Killing Death Eaters?

Apparently, it doens't matter. I would be going to Azkaban either way. My cell was just disgusting, and that was just me lightly stating it. In all honestly, it was living hell. Crap was on the walls, the floor, even on the bed. Did they really expect me to put up with this?

I sat on the... _Thing_, I shall call it. I don't think that's a bed, but what ever. It doesn't even feel like a bed. _Disgusting..._ Sighing, I got up; the bed scared me too much. Yes, a simple bed scared me. In my head, I hear your laughter ringing like a thousand bell chimes. So happy... So loving...

I can hear the people in the stalls by me muttering random things. One person is muttering, "Dark Lord," and another, "Prince." So many random thoughts go through these walls. Is anything normal here? Are they intending on making us insane?

My mind wanders and I think of that cold, dark, Halloween night. I think about the Friday before and how we agreed to meet up a week later. I remember how I trusted Peter enough to convince you to make him Secret Keeper. Every time I recall a memory, all I seem to ask is why.

I have spent a year in this terrible, terrible place and still have yet to loose my sanity. All I wonder about now is the simple things of life. How was Harry doing? Remus? How is our mum holding up? To loose you and me in not even a week, poor woman.

Another thing I should add to my list of questions; Why don't I think more? Remus makes it seem like it's terrible, but I've been thinking for a while now. I relize my mistakes, I relize more about others. I remember you more.

I remember fifth year, you and me picking on Snape, meeting you, creating the Mauraders. All these things that we never thought was really important. We never thought much, just went for the ride.

_"The little things can make life wonderful."_

I heard that quote one day when Lily was reading and we didn't understand why she liked to read. She told us that, and we just shrugged it off. I've been thinking-again, I hear your laughter echoing in my mind- Lily was right.

Friendship is a small thing in life. You were that small thing, weren't you? As I glance out my cell bars, I see the moon. The full moon.

_"Come on Moony!" I taunted. "Let's go play, huh?" My tail was wagging full speed as I pranced in a circle, hearing you laugh at me._

_"Padfoot you weirdo. Moony doens't wanna play with little toys like you. He needs aa strong stag to stay with him and so play tug-of-war with a branch!" You went over and grabbed a branch to begin playing with Moony._

_"That is the lamest game ever! Am I right Peter?" The little rat was cowering in a corner, just sitting there, falling over when I said his name._

_"S-s-s-s-s-s-sure thing S-s-s-s-sirius!" He ran around a little rock for a bit. That spaz..._

_"I wanna play with Padfoot!" Moony stated. He ran at me full force, letting go of our book worm friend. In the dirt we wrestled and got full of mud. We ran through the forest, and ran around bucking, throwing our "feet" in the air, laughing._

In fifth year, we always had fun on the full moon. Playing around, goofing off. As the moon left an imprint on my eyes, I wondered how Remus was fairing. Did he feel okay? Did he need us there? What if he hurts some one!

No. I can't think like that! Remus is fine, he doesn't need us. He is a strong man who can take care of himself. I sighed and rested my eyes. I should go to sleep, but I'm scared of what the nightmares will bring.

_He passed away last Friday night_

_His death took us by surprise_

None of us were really expecting Peter to betray you... You know? What ever happened to Marauders till the very end? We promised to stay together, to love eachother, not to go and kill of eachother...

But I killed Peter. I killed him, all accept for a finger. How could _I _do that? It wasn't right Prongs... I'm sorry I betrayed our Marauder code. I'm sorry Peter betrayed you. I'm sorry for everything.

_Never again will we see him smile_

_Or look into his eyes_

I remember the first time I ever met you. Our eyes locked, hazel and grey. Lily and I agreed back in seventh year your eyes were never really hazel. They always had a greenish tint to them, or gold flickering around when you were really expressing emotions.

I remember when you would talk about Lily. I remember your anger towards Snape. I remember how mad you were at me when I just about killed both you and him. with Remus and the Whomping Willow. I remember... Finding you... dead.

_His body is cold_

_Yet his hands are warm_

How about that one night we were locked out in the castle grounds or detention? I recall when Filtch "forgot" about us. We froze our arses off, didn't we? We were frozen, and we looked like a bloddy couple holding hands and hugging to keep warm...

I look back to all these things, and I realize that I never would have wanted to be around if I never met you. James, you were the freaking hilight of my life. You were my pinnicle, my dream, my brother, my Prongs. Gosh, I sound like a stupid romance novel...

_His eyes just stare_

_And you realize he's gone_

You can't be gone. James, you can't! Didn't Lily tell you to stop being so concieted! Think of others for once! How do you think Remus and I are taking this? How poor Harry is, your own son! What about the rest of the world? We need you James... We need you...

_His mum's in the room_

_And she feels so alone_

_Knowing that out of two boys_

_Only one will come home_

_Two days later his mum's still in shock_

Well, you have Mum up there with you, right? She has you to love again, and she just adores Lily, she used to adore Peter. Doubt she does anymore. Just give her my love okay? Tell her I miss her.

_Living with unbearable pain_

_Even when the sun shines_

_All she sees is rain_

If you could see Azkaban James... It's not very pretty. You only see dementors, storms on the rage. No sun, no rainbows, not even a bloody unicorn! Depressing things are only around here, and it's all haunting us here.

_The tears echo in our hearts_

_'Cuase it seems he was too young_

_And everyone agrees_

_'Cause Jamie was only 21_

Dear James,

I miss you. Sorry it's not much to say, but I do. I'm I wreck without you, and I'm going to die alone here in Azkaban.

Love,

Sirius

**A/N(Again...): I just need to add another disclaimer to the poem in the end! It's called **_**Always Remembered and Never Forgotten, by Amy(Instert last name here) **_** I googled sad poems one day (IDK I was reeaaaallllyyy bored.) And I litteraly found a poem about a Jamie, who incidently died at twenty one,who incidently found it's way into this story. ;) Also, another reminder to please review! Thanks!**


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